


Mappy Christmanukkah

by MadameExpendable



Category: Saturday Night Live, Saturday Night Live RPF
Genre: Christmas, Cussing, David Bowie - Freeform, Hanukkah, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Sethon - Freeform, Ugly Christmas Sweaters, this sounds like a party to me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-23
Updated: 2014-12-23
Packaged: 2018-03-03 00:44:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2831972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadameExpendable/pseuds/MadameExpendable
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seth invites Stefon to an ugly Christmas sweater party at work. Pre-Update Stefon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mappy Christmanukkah

**Author's Note:**

> This is virtually plotless and it makes me mad. I don't know if I'm quite satisfied with the way it turned out. Sort of OOC. Will probably do major revisions at a later date.
> 
> LET ME CLEAR THIS UP FOR YOU BECAUSE THIS TIMELINE IS A FUCKING MESS OKAY?
> 
> This is pre-Update Stefon, but they've already been friends for about 3-4 years (I usually say they first met in 2002-ish). Set late 2006 shortly after Seth got promoted to head writer/co-Update anchor with Amy. They're friends but not really super close (like, they hang out, but they still don't know a lot about each other). Stefon is still a barista at this point and has a boyfriend. 
> 
> I think I got my facts straight, but feel free to tell me if I totally screwed up the Seth Meyers SNL timeline, please. I was very confused and tired when I tried to sort this all out. Also, beware. It's fucking long, and not really proofread XD Also, David Bowie references because I love me the Bowie.
> 
> (By the way, here's a picture of Stefon's sweater: http://www.inherglam.com/2013/11/25/glam-deal-dorothy-perkins-rudolph-sweater/)
> 
> Merry/Happy whatever the heck you celebrate!
> 
> (P.S. I can't do italics right now because my phone keeps messing it up. I put the song lyrics in 'these'.)

Stefon grinned brightly when he opened the front door to find Seth facing the wrong direction. "Nice butt."

"Oh, hi. Sorry, I spaced out for a minute there." he sounded a little flustered, his cheeks tinged pink from the cold. He gave Stefon a once over. "Why aren't you ready?"

Stefon glanced down at his outfit; a thick maroon cable knit turtleneck, dark skinny jeans, and light brown leather boots. "What do you mean? I AM ready."

"No. Absolutely not." Seth shook his head. "You look too nice. You need to change."

Seth probably didn't mean anything by that, but Stefon still smiled like a moron and put his hands over his mouth. Seth Meyers was such a sweetheart. "Thaaaank you. You'd make a really cute flasher."

Seth looked down at his black trench coat, then back at Stefon with an expression of horror, disgust, and slight amusement. "That is just wrong on so many levels."

"Hmm."

"What I meant was; It's an ugly sweater party. If I have to wear an ugly sweater, you do too. And that sweater is not ugly, so..."

Stefon stamped his foot. "I don't HAVE any ugly sweaters, Seth Meyers."

"I call bullshit." The image of a certain hideous Ed Hardy shirt flashed in Seth's mind. He had a pretty good feeling that his idea of ugly and Stefon's idea of ugly were two completely different things. 

"Okay, I'll look. Real quick, though. My boyfriend's on his way home and I want to hit the road before he gets here." He sounded exasperated, as if it would kill him to take a quick look through his wardrobe.

"Great." Seth stood awkwardly in the doorway, not sure how to reply to the boyfriend comment. He despised Stefon's boyfriend. He was nothing but an abusive, narcissistic asshole who deserved to rot in jail for some of the horrifying things he'd done to the young barista. But that was a different story for a different day. "So, can I come in?"

"Hmm, no."

With that, the door slammed shut about 2 inches from Seth's face. It startled him, but he still managed a sarcastic eye roll. "Ha ha. Very funny."

The door opened back up and Stefon's smiling face became visible once more. "I thought you'd like that."

...

"Is this ugly enough for you, Seth Meyers?" Stefon pulled a dark green one from the seemingly endless pile of sweaters that he'd created.

"No. That's actually really nice too." Seth wouldn't say he was jealous of Stefon's sense of style. He was. He just wouldn't say it. Turned out that when Stefon wasn't sporting those horrible bedazzled tattoo sleeved shirts, he was quite the dresser.

"Thanks. I bought it from this thrifty little store in Queens. I should take you there sometime. Find you a cute tie to go with all of your new stupid reporter boy suits."

"Hey-"

"Kidding again." Stefon interrupted before Seth had a chance to whine at him. Here's a little secret though; he wasn't kidding. As incredible as Seth looked in his little suits, they weren't nearly as good as that one time he saw Seth in a short sleeved t-shirt.

One word. 

Arms.

Stefon shuddered at the memory. Too bad this guy loved long sleeves so much.

"Hilarious. You're on a roll, honestly. NBC should hire you and make you head writer instead." Seth deadpanned.

"I know." Stefon tossed the green sweater into the 'not to wear' pile, which was getting higher and higher by the second.

Seth picked it up and examined it. Cashmere. "So, you went out and bought this from a normal store. Run by normal people. In Queens." Stefon had recently been telling him tales of these bizarre nightclubs he frequented. He'd been talking about them for years, but the longer Seth knew him, the crazier they got. He had yet to confirm if Stefon was telling the truth, but his stories were highly entertaining and therefore he didn't think too much of them.

Stefon pouted. "What am I, an alien?"

Seth raised his eyebrows and shrugged. "Sometimes, I have my suspicions."

His frown was replaced with a smirk. "I'm a regular guy like you, Seth Meyers. I just party more."

Seth ran his hand over the soft fabric, before noticing a light colored stain on the back. Wait... Was that? Oh god. It was. Certainly he wasn't wearing it while he was, erm, "with" someone. Maybe it happened to be laying on the bed? Or floor? 

... Or kitchen counter?

He dropped the sweater and made a mental note to wash his hands and perhaps get the article of clothing dry-cleaned for his friend. "You're right about that, you certainly do party more... A lot more, apparently."

"Ooh, what about this one?" He held up a grey sweater with Rudolph's head on the front. "My stepdad gave it to me my senior year of highschool."

Seth let out a loud giggle- the kind that made Stefon go weak in the knees. Good thing he was sitting down. "Oh my god. That's hilarious. What's wrong with it's nose?" 

"It's a little swollen."

"No shit." Seth didn't even bother to hide his amusement. "Well, try it on!"

Right then and there, Stefon pulled his turtleneck up and over his head. Seth caught a glimpse of the large tattoo that wrapped around the left side of the younger man's torso, before it was covered once more by the reindeer top. He'd only ever seen bits and pieces of it, but he managed to make out what it was; a stunning and surprisingly tasteful black and grey drawing of Manhattan skyscrapers that stretched all the way from his ribcage to his hipbone. Seth would have liked to see the full thing someday, but he wasn't about to go up to Stefon and ask him to take his shirt off.

"So what do you think?"

Seth managed to distance his mind from thoughts of the tattoo and bring his attention back to the matter at hand. The sweater. "That's it. That's the one. It looks perfect."

Stefon clapped his hands together joyfully. "Good. I just have to use the bathroom and then we can leave."

...

They were about a block away from 30 Rock before Seth noticed that Stefon was significantly more jittery than before. Seth stopped and guided him to the edge of the sidewalk to get out of the way of traffic. "You okay, buddy? You're looking kind of pale."

Stefon gazed at him with overly dilated eyes. "I'm fine. You look pale too. Probably just the lighting out here." he assured quickly. He turned to continue walking, but Seth grabbed his hand and stopped him.

"Hold on, you've got a little something on your face." He took his thumb and wiped it across Stefon's upper lip to remove the white... powder. Realization dawned upon Seth. He shot his friend a disapproving look. "You're high."

Oopsies.

"No I'm-"

He raised an eyebrow. "Stefon Zolesky-"

"What? It's just makeup. I was powdering my face." he said it so naturally that it was almost believable.

Seth, however, saw right through him. "Powdering your face with what, flour? Also last time I checked, your eyes were blue, not black."

Well, shit.

Stefon groaned and brought his hands up to hide his face. "I was just so tired. I haven't gotten a lot of sleep recently." 

Seth rolled his eyes. "You know, instead of snorting coke when you're tired, why not just do what everybody else does and drink a cup of coffee? Or, you know, take a nap?"

"Because that sounds horrifically boring."

Seth snorted and shook his head as they resumed their stroll.

...

Stefon couldn't help but laugh when Seth took off his coat to reveal a god awful red Santa sweater that made his Rudolph one look like high fashion. 

What was even more priceless than the sweater itself, though, was when Rachel confronted him about it. "Aww, you two match! Santa and Rudolph. That's so cute!" She even had the nerve to pinch Seth's cheek to further humiliate him.

"You know, I didn't really put any thought into this whole matching thing before we left. Everybody's talking about us." he whispered, "They think we're a couple."

"Mmm, I know." Stefon stared dreamily at Seth, "Isn't it awful? We should freak them out. I have an idea-"

"Does it involve using your tongue?"

Stefon leaned back a bit and narrowed his eyes. "How did you know?"

Seth shrugged. "All of your ideas involve tongue in some way or another."

Oh no. Was he getting predictable? "Huh. So, do they have any alcohol here, or...?" 

That was a very good question. Seth's eyes shot around the room. Whoever decorated it did an exquisite job. The theme was all white; white lights, white snowflakes, white tablecloths, white everything. It had a very romantic low-lit vibe. "I think I saw a punch bowl somewhere around here. I'll go get us some. You just sit tight."

With some difficulty, Seth wove his way randomly through the crowd, hoping to perhaps just stumble upon the punch. Instead, he stumbled right into Amy. Literally.

"Hey, watch i-" she stepped back a bit and took a good look at him. "Oh. Hi, Seth. What's up?"

"Did it really just take you that long to recognize me?" Seth whined.

"I think it's the sweater."

He laughed sarcastically. "Do you happen to know where the punch is?"

"Yessir. Follow me."

So, he did. It turned out that he had been heading away from it the entire time. He picked up the ladle and poured some of the red and green beverage into a cup.

"So..." Amy started.

"So?"

"What's his name?"

Seth sighed. "His name is Stefon Zolesky, and contrary to popular belief, I have never slept with him."

"I don't see why not." she gazed at Stefon from across the room, "He's a cutie."

"You think?"

"Totally." she patted him on the back, "In a very strung-out, twinkish kind of way. Maybe not for me, but PERFECT for you."

"Yeah. Right. Sure." he took a sip of the punch and was sorely disappointed. "Aw man. Does this stuff not have any booze in it?"

"Sadly, no. Lorne pulled the plug on that one after that stupid drunk guy peed on the Rockefeller tree last year." She chuckled at the memory.

"In my brother's defense, he'd just had dental surgery and he was hopped up on medication. He was a little out of it."

"Yeah yeah yeah." She waved off his excuses, "Anyway, it's non-alcoholic. Why? You looking to get drunk?"

"Not really. But I think Stefon is."

"Well, if you ask nicely, that new kid Andy might be able to help you out." She gestured to Andy with her eyes. "He's been selling alcohol to you drunkards all night. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to pee. Have fun with your boy toy."

"He's not my- We aren't-"

But just like that, she was gone.

... 

15 minutes and a lot of questions later, he finally convinced Andy to pour a little rum into one of the drinks. It cost him $3.00 and some minor embarrassment, but he did it. He thanked the new kid and made his way back to Stefon, who was sitting alone on a bench. 

"Why so sad?" He handed Stefon the now-alcoholic beverage and raised his eyebrows when the man started chugging it the moment it touched his hand.

"What do you mean? I'm having a great time." he wiped his face daintily on his sleeve and stared disdainfully at the sickeningly sweet drink. "Do they have just straight rum?"

Seth snorted and chose to ignore the question. "Why were you staring at the floor?"

"Oh, check it out." he pointed to a random part of the floor, "The carpet's getting longer."

Seth blinked at the spot he was gesturing to. "Pardon? It's getting longer?"

"Yeah. See?"

Seth opened and closed his mouth a few times, unsure of how to respond to his drug-addled friend. "You know what? You're right. That is weird."

...

An hour later, everybody was dancing. Well, almost everybody. Seth and Stefon sat in the chairs lined up against one of the walls, just chatting idly about this and that. Stefon had managed to get ahold of Andy's Captain, and was now drinking it straight from the bottle. It wasn't like Andy would need it anyway. He was passed out cold underneath one of the snack tables. Seth just hoped that the kid didn't have alcohol poisoning.

Suddenly, some stupid line dance song came on and Seth groaned. "Ugh, I danced to this at my junior prom. I remember I tripped over a girl's skirt and knocked one of the amplifiers over. Everybody thought it was so fucking funny. I cringe just thinking about it."

Stefon took a swig of the warm amber liquid and said, "I never got to dance at my prom."

Seth's heart sank at the proclamation. Sometimes, he felt bad for Stefon. People treated him like he was a freak, but once you really got to know him, he was such a genuinely sweet, sensitive person-

"Yeah, I ditched the girl I was with for this really hot senior guy. Brad Johnson, I think his name was? He fucked me in the back of his convertible. It was so cool."

Seth's jaw dropped and suddenly he didn't feel so sorry for the younger man... "In the parking lot!?"

Stefon gave him a dumbfounded look. "No, in the auditorium. Of course we were in the parking lot! Have you never had car sex or what?"

"No no no, I've done it in a car... lots of times."

Like, once. And it was in the privacy of the girl's garage. It was a mess, really.

Embarrassed and feeling somewhat sexually inferior to the man sitting beside him, Seth decided to change the subject. "So, are there any songs you would have liked to dance to, had you stayed with your date?"

His face positively lit up, "Lady Stardust. I would've loved to dance to that. But with Brad Johnson. Or really anybody but my actual date."

Seth almost made a comment about how Stefon kind of looked like David Bowie*, but decided against it. "Interesting song choice."

"Yeah." He swirled his finger absentmindedly around the lip of the bottle. "You know, it still makes me kind of sad to think that I wasted that opportunity on some dumb boy that never even talked to me again."

Seth shrugged. "But at least you enjoyed yourself at the time. That's gotta count for something, right."

Stefon chuckled. "I guess it was pretty great. But, let's face it, Seth Meyers. It wasn't special. I've had pointless sex with hundreds of guys since then."

Pardon? Did he say hundreds?

"I just never realized how much more that dance would have meant to me until..." He paused and frowned.

"Until...?"

He looked Seth in the eyes and grinned. "Until I grew up."

Seth stared blankly at him. "Jesus, that's a depressing thought."

As a reply, Stefon merely handed him the bottle of booze.

...

Another hour later, about a quarter of the people that had been dancing were now sitting and eating while they laughed obnoxiously amongst themselves. The DJ finally moved on from the more ridiculous songs like the Cha Cha Slide and the Time Warp, and instead started playing more traditional Christmas music. It was significantly slower, but still danceable.

At some point, Andy had woken up and noticed that his rum was missing. He started whining when he found the empty bottle (the one that Stefon drank practically all of, with some help from Seth there toward the end) sitting beside him on the floor. 

The music was nice and their conversation returned back to it's usual unusualness, but Seth couldn't stop thinking of what Stefon said about growing up. Stefon was only 24 years old. He was far too young to be worrying about things like "missed opportunities". Seth was almost 33, and hell, even he was barely an adult.

That's why Seth decided to give him a little surprise to make him feel better.

"Excuse me. Can you hold on just one moment?" Seth stood from his chair after Stefon finished telling him a particularly vivid story about the time he ate a mushroom that turned his vision sepia for a week. "I have to use the restroom."

"Have fun." he pulled a compact mirror from his back pocket. He thought that Seth didn't notice when a small sheet of what looked like stickers fell out when he opened it, but he did. Seth shook his head and snorted. Only Stefon would have drugs just falling out of his clothes in a public place without anybody giving him a second glance.

"Kay, I'll be right back." He started heading toward the back like he was walking to the bathrooms, careful not to accidentally step onto the dance floor for fear of being knocked over. When he was positive that he was out of Stefon's line of sight, he made a sharp turn and started moving toward where the DJ was set up. 

Once there, he cleared his throat to get the tall man's attention. "Excuse me, sir. I have a request."

"Thank God. If I had to listen to one more different rendition of 'Baby, It's Cold Outside', I was going to lose my mind." the DJ sighed in relief. "What can I play for you?"

"Well, it's kind of a weird one."

...

Stefon looked up when he saw Seth approaching. "Hey. Saved your seat."

Seth glanced at the chair he had been previously occupying. "By 'saving my seat', did you just mean that you threw all of your stuff onto it?"

"Pretty much. Want some gum?"

"Stand up." Seth even offered his hand to help.

"Uh," he stared at the outstretched appendage with wide eyes, "why?"

"It's a surprise." 

"... Okay." 

Seth pulled Stefon up and out of the chair, then threw his hand up in a 'thumbs up' gesture. Seconds later, a new tune started playing, interrupting Jingle Bell Rock mid-song, causing people around them to complain. The intro sounded like a slightly off-key piano, playing a riff that was eery and slow. When Stefon realized what it was, his hands flew to his face and he made an excited noise that was somewhere in between a gasp and a shriek. "Oh my god, Seth Meyers..."

"Merry Christmas." He placed his hand on the younger man's back and led him onto the floor as the vocals started playing.

'People stared at the makeup on his face.'

A step back.

'Laughed at his long black hair.'

Then to the left.

'His animal grace.'

A little turn, just to make Stefon giggle.

'The boy in the bright blue jeans jumped up on the stage.'

Seth's heart did a startled jump when Stefon rested his head on his shoulder. However, he didn't jerk away or try to move him. He just relaxed into it and wound his arms a little tighter around the slightly taller man's waist. 

'And Lady Stardust sang his songs of... darkness and disgrace.'

As they swayed slowly back and forth, it briefly crossed his mind that, in a way, the lyrics really did suit Stefon.

...

It was snowing when they started walking back to Stefon's apartment. "Thank you for taking me, Seth Meyers. I had a better time than I though I would."

"You didn't think you'd have a good time?"

"I don't know. I was kind of scared that your friends wouldn't like me."

Seth clicked his tongue. "My friends LOVED you. Trust me. Everybody was telling me how cute they thought you were every five minutes. In fact, they're already texting me about how much they want you to come to our New Year's party. If you go, I promise I won't make you wear that sweater."

"Hmm, deal."

...

When they got to the apartment, Stefon invited Seth in for a cup of coffee before he left for home. And honestly, how could he resist? Stefon was a very skilled barista. Did the fact that it was 3:00 in the morning and Stefon's boyfriend was asleep in their room change that? Absolutely not.

So, while Stefon was working his magic in the kitchen, Seth decided to explore the apartment a little, when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He checked the caller ID before answering it. "Amy?"

"I saw you two dancing. You're perfect for each other."

Seth scoffed and replied, "I think you're forgetting something very important."

"What?"

"I'm not gay!"

"Details, details!"

Seth rolled his eyes as Amy continued her rant.

"Seth, listen to me. That boy loves you."

"Quit being so dramatic." He sat down on the couch and looked at the menorah on the coffee table while-

Wait, the menorah?

... Shit.

SHIT.

"Amy, I'm going to have to call you back."

...

When Stefon entered the living room in his pajamas with two cups of coffee in hand, Seth immediately looked him right in the eye and said, "You're Jewish." It was more of a statement than a question.

"Yes?" He tilted his head, confused by the random statement.

After all these Christmases they spent together... Seth put his face in his hands. He felt like a terrible friend. "Listen, I'm so sorry if I've made you uncomfortable with all of this."

"All of what?" He set the mugs down on the coffee table and sat down next to the older man.

"Seriously? I just took you to a Christmas party, for God's sake. I've always just assumed that you celebr-"

Stefon smiled and put his hands on either side of the other man's face. "Seth, Seth, Sethy Seth, Seth. I do celebrate Christmas."

"Wait... Huh?" was the most intelligent thing Seth could muster.

"My stepdad is Catholic, so ever since I was a kid we've always celebrated both Christmas and Chanukah. You're fine." he explained.

"Oh." 

They sat in silence for a few minutes.

"... Wait, I thought that Jewish people aren't supposed to have tattoos."

"You're right. They aren't." Stefon confirmed, dozing off.

"But you have that big tattoo on your side."

He smiled. "Don't tell my grandma." 

Seth grinned back. "My lips are sealed."

"Mappy Christmanukkah, Seth Meyers." And that was the last thing Stefon said before he fell asleep.

Seth's friends were right. He certainly was cute, he'd give him that much. "Mappy Christmanukkah, Stefon."

He jumped slightly when his phone went off again. It was Amy. Again. Way to ruin a perfectly good moment. He furrowed his eyebrows and put the device to his ear. "Hello?"

"Marry him."

"Ha, like that'll ever happen."

**Author's Note:**

> *DAVID BOWIE IS STEFON'S DAD.


End file.
